For as far back as I could remember, as a tiny tiny child,
I was angry and frustrated at being born a girl.
This situation was exacerbated greatly in my home where my male parent was constantly pushing for the use of drastic physical punishments and my female parent’s only successful intercession on our behalf was that he couldn’t do those things because we were girls. So when I expressed that I wanted to dress in boys clothes and be called Andie ( short for Andrea-Jayne) the answer was a firm “NO”.
Mum is an amazing seamstress and my sisters and I were always impressively dressed in very pretty dresses. I felt so guilty for not fully appreciating the effort these clothes cost her and I was angry that she was forcing me to be someone I wasn’t. I only found out many years later that she was trying to keep me physically safe.
I was forever being told what a beautiful girl I was.
This grated on me badly and I wished I could become invisible.
I had some gender based soul crushing rejections in my childhood. The worst of these were from the Catholic Church.
In my house the only way to leave home was to marry someone of the “opposite sex“. There was no moving out with friends allowed. I needed to get out of that house.
I was one of the boys. I worked on cars, cleaned gutters, climbed trees and could talk on any subject they could. That, plus being a “ pretty girl” it was easy to get boyfriends. I married young to the first guy who was able to get me out of home.
When I turned 18 and started uni I had a bit more freedom. I changed my name to AJ which was allowed since I drew the idea from Mum labeling our lunches, ‘AJ’ and ‘GL’ to differentiate between my sister and I.
By 20 I was out of the frying pan and into the fire as I married someone who absolutely did not accept the girl/boy that I was. He outlawed all the boys clothes, chose my wardrobe and turned me into a trophy wife. One by one all the “boy” things about me were cut out, including my major love, working on cars.
Then at 21 I became pregnant with my first child.
It’s very hard to be in denial about one’s gender when pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding and being a stay at home mum.
My husband desperately wanted to have children young and after my music career had just just been annihilated due to a permanent injury I agreed. I really had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and I don’t wish them away for a minute. They are both wonderful adults who make the world a better place and I cannot imagine my world without them.
The minute I became pregnant I set about doing my utmost to be the best mother I could be. This was no mean feat as literally nothing came naturally to me. I read and learned as much as I could and tried with everything in me to do a good job.
When my youngest was 4 months old I ended up In psych ward with post natal depression.
I could write for ages on the struggles of negotiating motherhood with gender dysphoria and I probably will at later date and maybe in a different forum, but for now I am attempting to do an overview of my life.
After my divorce in 2005 I realised that I had quite literally lost myself in the very ‘female’ life I had allowed myself to be forced to live.
Notice I said “allowed myself”.
I woke up one day, looked at myself in the mirror and realised that I did not know who I was anymore.
I jumped on the Internet and looked for some of my old tomboy mates, the ones who knew me when I was a little boy, up trees and under cars.
My regular readers will know that I found and old friend who I ended up marrying. I refer to him in my writings as JayBear. I told him my story to date and he pledged to help me rediscover my true self. I too, did the same for him as he was stuck in a life that was so far from who he was meant to be also.
I still had periods of intense anger at being a female and these “bad patches” could last anywhere between two hours and two weeks. There was nothing I could tell myself to lessen these, I just had to ride them out.
In 2014 I came out as gay. I’ve written a lot about this time and you are interested in the details please feel free to go back and read “ Where did I come from” and “Where do I begin”.
About a year after coming out it occurred to me one day that it had been a full six months since I had felt any of the anger and frustration that was part of my life.
Upon analysing myself I concluded that the major cause of my anger is when people EXPECT me to act in a traditionally “ female “ manner and a major expectation on me was that I would be straight.
I was coming from a Malaysian family with a Christian/Catholic background and being heterosexual was the only acceptable way to be.
When faced with the freedom to choose, I decided that I did not want to transition my body to male, but that I very much did not want to live as a woman either.
My husband is amazing, as my regular readers already know, and he has honoured his pledge to help me discover my true self even when it has taken us down some scary paths. If you’re wondering how I’m in a “till death do us part, soulmate relationship “ with a man despite being gay and not a typical female, the answer is that our love is a love of heart and soul. I love all of him despite the fact that he has a man’s body and he loves all of me even though my physical body doesn’t match my gender identity.
These days I live in a gender fluid state. In my house I don’t have any expectations on me to act as a male or female.
I’m free to work on the car, cut wood with my own chainsaw or sew my own clothes if I choose. My house is a very safe place for me.
My non verbal autistic son has missed the gender role stereotype brainwashing from society and therefore appears very gender fluid as he happily exists in a world where pink and purple are his favourite colours, he has a beautiful vase of flowers in his room and he can chop wood like a boss!
I’m only comfortable describing myself using the terms ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ despite being 50 years old. Both ‘man’ and ‘woman’ feel foreign.
I’m not sure why this is but as I get older I’m finding that this is terminology that other people find difficult to accept.
The only times I experience frustration or sadness is when I’m judged based on a gender expectation by someone else.
This goes up and down in frequency depending on what is happening my life
I still use the she/her pronouns and these days I have chosen to retain a more female look despite now having the freedom to cut my hair short and wear exclusively male clothes.
This is a fact that puzzles people.
I’ve had them argue with me!
“No you can’t be a boy because you wear pink, purple and skirts”.
My most comfortable existence is that of being gender fluid and sexuality fluid.
JayBear in his wisdom has told me I shouldn’t strive for any “absolutes” and just allow myself to “be my authentic self “ at all times.
He is right and I am lucky to have him.
He call me his girl-boy!
It makes me smile! 🙂
Signing off for the first time as
Andie-Jay
(birth named Andrea-Jayne)
The Relationships Evolution 